I’m feeling exhausted, with a constant buzzing in my chest and head, like being on the verge of something but not quite. I feel nauseous and anxious and tired. Not sure this is sustainable. I don’t want to talk to anyone – Ingrid, friends – afraid I will not be able to fool them. I’m becoming more isolated.

I welcome death. And often think about how wonderful it would be if a sudden illness or accident were to take me.

Had a dream that I was told I had to go to a drug rehab but I knew them all because of my work. I had to trek there on my own. When I got there I couldn’t talk even when people recognised me and said hello. I was hoping that they didn’t realise that I was meant to be entering the program. Whilst I was sitting there a worker saw me that I worked with in real life, an old bureaucrat that was grumpy but we got along really well and he respected me and I him. He looked at me and knew why I was there and was very kind and gentle even though I couldn’t talk. I felt very comforted by him. He didn’t try to touch me and knew he wouldn’t.

As a kid I was terrified of under the bed, worried that snakes lived they and if I put my arm or whatever over the side it would drag me down. In some way I knew it wasn’t true but I couldn’t stop the fear and the panic when I had to get on and off the bed in the dark.