I don’t think I am able to do this.

I want to scream and yell and say the words but I can’t. Sometimes there are no words, I don’t know the words. Words seem completely unrelated. Sometimes there are words but I cannot break them out. They are just words but the shame and disgust that carries them swallows them up before I can say them.

I often wonder what people thought of me when I was young. Did they think I was a bad kid. Did they see what was happening. Did they do anything. How did they see what I was. I can’t see how something didn’t look odd at times. A doctor giving me the pill at 12, I don’t think I even spoke, my mother spoke on my behalf. It just doesn’t make sense. I bet people just thought it was me, that I was a slut. Great set up for future sexual assaults.

It probably did make me relate sexually. That’s all I was.