Always waiting. Waiting for something to happen. At least after he had, there was a relief or release of pressure. Not sure that’s the right way of explaining. But it was like  if it had just happened that was buying time, meaning there would be a period of time without the wait. Any interaction could be a precursor to it, it was just an unknown.

I think I am waiting for someone to be enraged by it on my behalf and to stand up and do something about it and be angry for it, and fix it, and make it ok, and make him pay.

Of course I know that is not going to happen. It is no ones role to do that. And what would they be angry for? I am not able to do that for myself. I am not able to talk about it. It is not something that will ever be legally recognised. I think I want a unrealistic fantasy for him to be responsible and punished and for me to be the victor with power and confidence and to be undamaged. Some of that fantasy could become reality if I were to do something to him myself. Not only would he suffer, but it would then be public and they both would have to pay. It is certainly something I have considered often and seriously, to the point many years ago being set up with someone to talk about purchasing a gun. To be able to hold a gun at him I imagine would feel so powerful.

But really, what can I do with my life. I am alone with this. Despite my attempts to break out, I am trapped by him and them both and all the other fuckers that have done what they have done. And despite others showing another pathway, I cannot seem to walk it.

Thoughts ts of dying are coming back. Thinking about accidents and ways of disappearing. If I did something to him, then at least people would understand why I took my own life. I don’t want to go down this spiral.