Whatever I have done or achieved, it has always been a veneer to where I have come from, to what happened, to the things he did, to the ugliness, to the disgusting of me, to be no one. How can I get to that core and replace it when that is the centre and foundation of its surrounding layers.

When I think about the things he did and what he said and where, I think and feel so many things. Panic. Anger. Nausea. Nothing. Disgusting. Frustrated. Invisible.

It is so isolating. Not being able to explain. I feel angry that I can’t explain, that I can’t make someone understand what happened.

The way out? The way forward? I don’t know but I need to find a way to be different.