I want to be different. Not the usual “I’m to fat, I’m ugly, I’m not good enough” different, but a different in how I view the world, how I fit in the world, how I live with myself and who I am.

How can I change how I see myself? Change the vileness of me. I’m not sure I’m making any progress, I can’t even articulate the vileness that I feel. Or where that has come from. Or the seeds of that.

The simple acts from him to me have created such chaos.