What I really want is for it to disappear; for it not to be connected to me at all, not something that was given to me and that I now own. There is an irrational idea and hope that one day it won’t be there.

I think that by telling someone, talking about it, saying what actually happened, there perhaps will be a magical process of it then fading, reducing its intensity, not being so visible, and maybe even leaving altogether. But I also know the unreality of that. Does that stop me?

As a kid I loved the character the Bionic Woman, not only because she had a bionic dog, but because she had such physical strength and could overpower anyone. I imagined that was me and that I could lift my mother up and throw her over the fence into the creek. I thought it would also just make me happy to be that strong, that everything would be happy. Where can I find that strength?