I had worked that morning, 7-3.30; the standard shift for new 1st years. Still didn’t get home until about 5 as getting to and from work took a train and a bus and a lot of waiting. 

I’d only been there a few months, obviously that was overstaying my welcome. He was there when I got home, also after his morning shift. He wasn’t any different than usual, watching something on tv. 

I had an early shower, I was going to go to bed early again, was still tired from the new work and hours. Had to get up about 5.30. I left the bathroom and walked to the bedroom, with just a towel wrapped around me, as everyone did. All the rooms opened to the lounge area so when I came out of the bathroom he could see me. The bedroom was the next room. I looked at him, not in an intentional way, it’s just that he was almost straight ahead before I turned left into the bedroom. He looked at me. I replayed that over and over and over for a long time, years, thinking about what expression I had on my face, did I look too long, should I have even looked, why did I look, do I not even realise the way I looked and did that say something to him. Maybe I was so oblivious to what I did or signs that I gave out. 

I was just walking. I got through the doorway of the bedroom starting to close the door and he was rushing at me, sort of half running it seemed,  but maybe not it just wasn’t much of a distance. I was surprised and turned to him and he was just there right up close. It felt like I looked at him for a long time but it wasn’t. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t know what was happening, I was a bit still perhaps , a bit unsure, I knew something wasn’t right, I had the tension in my stomach , the brain whir. He said hello, I didn’t say anything. He’d grabbed both my wrists and hands with his, holding them together against each other. He was so strong, even though he was slightly shorter than me. I already knew that, he’d played rough before when I was younger, just mucking around.  I was pretty skinny at the time, I guess most people would have been stronger then me. 

I’m still trying to hold my towel on, very aware of that, I don’t want to let that go, holding my armpits tight and holding my hands against my chest and the towel. I can smell his body odour and beer. I didn’t want to freak out. 

Why was it so easy for him? He’s pushed me back against the bed. It’s an old single bed the room is not very big and has a lot of furniture or furniture that’s probably too big for the room, there’s not a lot of floor space. He pushed me down saying ‘come on’ sort of patronising but aggressive. I know what’s happening now. I know what he wants. I’m trying work this out in my head, how can this not happen, I can’t let this happen, what if my sister comes home. It’s forever, its no time. I don’t think I said anything, I may have said ‘what’, my head was whirring too much. I didn’t yell or scream, or really say anything. I didn’t say no. I didn’t hit him. I did try to sort of keep him away from the touching me, from leaning against me but I had nowhere to go I couldn’t move forward just trying to move my body away but I don’t think I can. He leans his body right against me , pushes me back. 

Why, I can’t work out why. I’m lying half on the bed. He’s half kind of laying on me pushing on me, against me, he doesn’t really feel heavy, like crushing heavy, just strong heavy. I don’t want to breathe and I don’t want to hear. 

He says come on and what wrong. 

I can smell him. He’s holding my hands pushing them against me . He pushes my leg out at my knee I just had no strength. His hands feel so strong. He’s pushing on me so I can’t move my leg down, pushing into my groin. I cant get from under him. With his arm between us and his other arm pushing me. Hes holding himself and pushes into me. It’s too late then, it’s clicked over, something changes, its all over me, I hate everything, I hate everyone, I can’t really see him anymore, I don’t want to breathe. I think, what am I supposed to do now. He’s fucking me and I’m wondering what I’m meant to do. How long will I be like this. What can I do. He’s pushing on me and my leg is hurting, my leg is cramping, everywhere is hurting. Inside, outside,. But he keeps pushing. Did I say anything? I don’t think so. I think I made noises but more panicked whining , maybe it was just in my head.  I’m crying. He stops, he comes and he stops, he stays there . Breathing.  I don’t know what to do. He takes himself out of me, pushing against my hands. He says ok, stay there. 

He gets off me and stands up and says ok like a question. I don’t say anything. I’m not sure if I’m looking at him or if I’m looking anywhere in particular. I think I’m looking at him. Hes standing but leaning towards me a bit, sort of leaning over. He’s not tall and it was a highish bed so it seemed close even though he had stood up. And again he says stay there. He walks away. Just walks away. He’s done. Leaves the room and closes the door. I stay there. What do I do, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. What about my sister. 

I lie there, I curl up and stay there with my towel and the bedspread pulled around. I don’t know what else to do. I felt so low and hopeless. I think I cried because I felt so hopeless. I was trapped by the hopelessness. I watched the light go from the room. I didn’t want to move, as if moving I would have to then keep moving. I felt disgusting and if I moved I would feel that disgusting even more.  I knew he had come in me and that made me feel disgusting, I don’t know how to get rid of that, how was I going to get that out of me. Don’t move until I know. 
My leg hurt. My groin hurt, my vagina hurt. I did get up, to have a cigarette, I don’t know how much later it was, an hour, two hours, I don’t know. It was dark. I smoked out the window. Put a jumper on and pyjama bottoms.  I wasn’t supposed to smoke in the bedroom. My leg was sore, stiff, walking on it was sore. I needed to pee but I did not want to go out there. I could hear the tv. After a while I tried to pee into the bunched up towel, it took ages to be able to pee and it hurt. I tried to wipe myself clean but I didn’t have any water. 

I lay in bed thinking about it. Trying to work out why. And generally just feeling like I wanted to disappear. I guess I slept at some point and I consciously didn’t turn the alarm on at some point. I didn’t go to work the next morning. I didn’t want to go anywhere.