I’m not sure why I had this realisation, perhaps after Wednesday’s discussion; there were several older women in my early adult life that I gravitated to, connected with, and developed a friendship with, perhaps even fitting the cliché of more of a mother/daughter relationship, not that that was my conscious intent. All of them were kind and accepted me, regardless of my issues. Actually, all of them came into my life because of my issues.

The first person was the social worker from my place of work when I was 17. She supported me when i went to the detox and had me at her house several times. They appeared to be a very loving family. Christian but never asked or pushed me into that. Even her husband was very kind and gentle; of course, I wanted him to like me but was very wary of him and expected him to have another side, which he never did show.

Then about age 20 I met L, she also was kind and so giving of her time. Let me just be there, at her house, willing to listen to me – not that I ever said anything of substance.

I met T in a psych hospital, we were more like friends even though she was 20 years older than me. We had a lot in common and shared some horrible times but also some great times. Her family also welcomed me into their life.

I don’t recall consciously or otherwise seeking that out when I was younger. I wanted to find out that I was adopted, or have other parents, or live elsewhere, but there weren’t any particular people who I focused on. I dont think I thought there was anyone that could provide that. When my mother threatened to send me to boarding school, as she regularly did, I kept quiet about it hoping that it would eventually happen. I didn’t want to show that that’s what I wanted so I just didnt react when she threatened. Maybe I knew they were empty threats and she would never carry it out. I did often think about it and how much freedom I would have, how I fit in and make friends and be liked by teachers, and I even thought that somehow I would become a good student; it could be a new start and I could be a different me. But no, I was stuck, getting on with what had to be done, wondering how i could be different.