I want to be able to know and see what I looked like. At least I think I do. However, I am also afraid of what I will see. What if all I can see is a hopeless weak nothing person. What if I am that and that explains what happened. I know thats not rational but if you could see me then, maybe it would make sense. And why I and others carried it on in my life. Thats why i want to know what other people also looked like. Was it obvious? Did they seem needy? Did they have an answer for why it happened?

I dont want to feel this disgusting, but I do. I dont want to be this fucked up and vile, but I am. No amount or type of therapy can change what happened and what that made me. It is so obvious and simple and frustrating. Of course that fuels the desire to desist, when there is no actual escape, still. Maybe other people can ‘get over it’ and ‘thrive’, maybe I missed something, because it seems to have permeated every part of me and effects everything I do. Perhaps I am lacking a particular skill or ability. More likely that it changed something in and about me. Sometimes I get so angry I want to throw it at people to get them to see me. Or to give them a valid reason to opt out or to dislike me.

Can you really not see it? Perhaps if you knew, it would become clearer. Of course, I am not able to do that. Trap #87.