Of course I am, but it feels like I’m not. ‘Coping’ that is. I always will until I’m not. 

I’m tired of my hopelessness and hopeless being. I want to give up as I don’t want to be this hopeless person next week/month/year. I can’t even be satisfied with my hopelessness. 

What needs to change and be different seems so overwhelming and not achievable. Both internally and externally. Too much to fix, too much I am not able to fix, and too much that is unfixable. And probably some that I’m not willing to fix for whatever reason. Maybe all of it because I’m unwilling; even that seems too much to change. 

Yep, hopeless downward death spiral – welcome aboard. 

Maybe my parents didn’t have such an impact on my development, apart from the obvious. We always seem to be looking for something, but maybe I just took things extremely. I’m looking for an explanation as to why I’m so disjointed internally. And why I can’t fix that. Why does it feel like I am one way externally and fit in to what is around me, but internally I am isolated and disconnected from everyone. And I feel guilty about that, which only adds to the separation. 

Sorry for the rant.