Being vulnerable, emotionally exposed, and feeling physically not in control = those seeing me being able to see all the vile and disgusting of me, seeing on me what was done to me. It’s irrational I know, but it feels like people can look at me and see what he did, the different things he did. If they look closer, the more they can see. If I show my physical and emotional self, they will know. 

Once they see that, they can’t unsee it. They will see that I am that.