I look at that person, that child, and see on her the things he did. On the arms, ribs, face, mouth, hands. Particularly on the legs and face. I see him and parts of him, parts of his body, his eyes. On and in me. Covering me. I can see the horrible and disgusting and weakness. It doesn’t make sense that people couldn’t see that. They probably could see it which is why they didn’t do anything. Now if people know, that is what they see, even if they don’t say that. 

I’m not able to believe that I didn’t influence what he did. Yes legally and morally he was in the wrong, but I can’t see how I didn’t facilitate/influence/incite it. There must have been something about me that made him think it was ok, that it was doable, that it would work for him. Maybe if I didn’t, that makes it harder to understand and accept, and makes me more powerless and useless. If I extract this belief, there is nothing left of me. Without it I am nothing. 

I want to describe what I see but can’t. If I describe it then people will also realize it which is both good and bad. I want to make sure people see it so that I’m not alone with it but then I don’t want them to see it because then they will see me. 

How do I take away that disgusting person in me? How can I not see that hopeless child with him all over her?