I shared a room with my sister until she left home, I was about 9 then, and glad she was going, I was always in her way and knew she found me annoying. I don’t think she particularly liked me. Anyway, I thought I could at least choose which side of the room I could sleep on. But I knew I would be worried about being trapped on that bed because of my fears of the (imaginary) snakes under it and my fear of my father holding me there. But her being there did give some sense of safety, albeit small. I knew that there weren’t snakes under the bed but I couldn’t stop the fear of them anyway, I couldn’t stop myself from not putting my arms or legs over the side for fear of them “getting” me, or from being frozen in fear of moving and the snakes knowing I was there. I knew it was not right and felt stupid for being like that but I couldn’t tell anyone.
How can I put words to it.
No words will work
If he came in to say goodnight it didn’t always mean he would do something, I think the if he’d been drinking more it was more likely but if he’d been out drinking probably not.
I’m not sure I can say the words of what I can see
Feeling like a thing, scared, scared of not being able to breathe, scared I can’t do what he wants me to do, scared of feeling scared, an aloneness that I can’t put words to. He tells me what he wants me to do,
I don’t think I can write the words. It isn’t the same as what I see. I am so scared to say the words. I will lose control. I will be so angry.
My mother knocked on the door, didn’t come in, she fucking knew. He’s shoving his penis in my mouth and she fucking knew. And I was wrong. For doing it. For being that person. I grew to become so disgusted with myself for continuing to be part of it. For not being a good enough person for it not to happen in the first place.
I don’t think I can describe what he did – a silent picture that no one wants to see.
If I Talk 