If I Talk

I think I have given him the role/responsibility/power /right to speak about him and what he did. Him being the one who owns it and has the ability to make it known and true. 

I don’t have the language or right 

Maybe I can’t separate out the responsibilities? 

I am stuck because I feel that I still hold / carry “the secrets” and that I need to either let them out or let go of the hold it has over me. But I worry that even if I am able to let it out , without him letting it out, it won’t mean anything. Perhaps I need people to hear it from him because my words are not enough. I want someone to see it, to really know. But that then raises my fears of them seeing me and my vile disgusting ways and having that power. And that passing on to someone else something that shouldn’t even exist 

Sometimes I try to find something from him that would go some way to him acknowledging it. Something he said or did. Of course there will never be enough to satisfy what I want, perhaps even if he was alive. And I have always feared that people wouldn’t really listen or they would hear it differently to how it was. 

It’s hard not to think he won. He died with it, with the power to make it different.