If I Talk

I am alone and in pain and feel neglected and abandoned, I know not literally but I can’t get rid of that inner feeling. But I can’t reach out and I can’t hear or take in anyone reaching in to me

I can’t accept healing from others and I cannot allow myself to heal and soothe. 

I want validation and holding and comfort and anger for what I have experienced, but on the flip side that experience makes me damaged and disgusting and needy and I don’t want that out. 

If Erykah goes that will allow clearer decision making 

I so desperately want to die. I have thought of that day. 

I’m tired of the internal conflict. 

I hate that I am like this and am sorry that I am like this. I don’t want others to experience my mess. I have not taken the opportunity this weekend to change my situation, I feel I have failed again.