What if …. I am able to be compassionate to that part of me? That’s acknowledging the weak, vulnerable person, the one that was sexualised, that was marked by the sex, and that is a never ending pool of hopelessness and drowning. I have to keep swimming. 

What if … I’m not responsible for creating what they did?  Then I don’t have a protective layer that dulls the acuteness, the overwhelmingness, and the memories. 

What if …. there wasn’t something about me that made him do what he did?  Then you won’t believe what he did, any of it, all of it. 

Surely you need to stop seeing me? 

What else can I do to change? 

How can I get more out of therapy? 

Should I set therapy goals? (Probably not)

Changing my thinking about me doesn’t change me.

I can’t get away from what they created. 

Can you really make an assessment of who I am based on a 1-2 hour constructed window per week? Why do you do this and how dissatisfying must it be with people like me. 

Can someone ever really not be the  person they once were? 

After all this time I’m stuck on therapy 101! 

Let me go. 

I don’t know what to do with this feeling. Am I doing this? 

Continual heart racing, racing thoughts, I’m wired and exhausted. 

I feel so hopeless I really want to harm myself 

I’m not sure how to work through this. 

Not feeling good. Feeling very anxious

I really dislike that I am like this. I feel not in control. As well as a hopeless case. 

Very anxious. 

Perhaps too anxious to explain 

Awake at 2.30am with anxiety. 

Thinking about work, my mother, Being hit, feeling fear and ominous, thinking about my brother in law, feeling nauseous, screaming in pain with the belt buckle straps, choking on tears, on him. 

Him dying is  both great and devastating . I’m afraid to talk about it as I will be so angry. 

Should I have told my mother in detail what he did? Was I remiss in not doing so? Would it have made a difference to her, to me? 

It seems like there are too many things to fix and they’re all interconnected and tightly woven together. Selecting one stirs up the others.