I know it shouldn’t be like this and it doesn’t make sense. It’s not rational. And it is so frustrating.

Dont you know the clouds will roll in and it will be forever dark! Ok, so that was a joke, but that’s how irrational it is.

I would like to say that next week will be different but I say that every week.

Can I even do it? Do you think I can do it?

Ive made such a big deal about it now, and it may not seem like much after all. Which now also adds to the why I shouldnt talk about what he did. It won’t be anything you haven’t heard before, so what am I worried about? I feel like it looks like I have made a bigger issue that what it is, and spent so much time on it, which I’m embarrassed about.

I always think there must be something wrong with me, like being illiterate, I am not able to talk. Or maybe I’m just telling myself that so I don’t have to do the work. I don’t think it’s laziness. Perhaps fear; I don’t want to be that person, that disappointing, used, nothing, waste.

Its a bit of a no win situation: you don’t believe me and that confirms I’m nobody, you believe me and I may not trust that, you believe me and therefore you see what they made me and what is me, you don’t care and that confirms how horrible I am, you do care and I feel responsible for that and for giving this to you.

He set me up to be responsible. They created my worthlessness, my irrelevance. So although they did that, there is too much to say that it doesn’t come back to me. The common element for all of it is me.

If I discuss those others, it really demonstrates my responsibility, not just that that is what I think. Because I am then on display as to how gross and disgusting and fucked up I am.

Sometimes I have a sense of cold enormous fear. The occasional times when I am not able to isolate incidents and separate them from me, and they form together to make a whole landscape picture of me and my life. Its a bit of a surprise and unexpected.

Because even though it is a challenge to constantly manage segments and incidents, and keep them in their boundaries not joined up (and obviously, I mainly avoid managing them to resolve them), it is different to seeing the whole. That feels like losing too much control and getting sucked into the landscape.

Yet I’m trapped in each segment and incident anyway.

The evidence:

brother, father, boyfriend, sister’s boyfriend

The verdict:

guilty

I don’t want to fail, but I suspect I will. Failure because my intentional actions will create that, failure because no matter the effort I put in it will not be adequate, and failure because there is no possibility of change.

What if I do talk, I say the words, I play the film, I narrate the story, and nothing changes? I need a reward, a salvation, a freedom from it. I’m then trapped in a darker prison with others looking on and I will be responsible for that. And someone else knows. It’s ok if someone knows and I’m no longer there, but if they know and I’m still in that place, I am powerless and vile.

Heart pushing against my locked down chest

Pounding in my ears, hearing sound third person, silent buzzing in my head getting louder

throat constricting, swelling, vacuuming air out

Panic

just exercise

Can it not be discussed?

Is it not important?

Why do you not want to hear it / can’t hear it ?

Because that is me, then I am not worthy.

“In fact, survivors can become anxious and avoidant of any mental action, such as having particular feelings, sensations, and thoughts that are consciously or unconsciously associated with the original traumatic experience(s). Thus most survivors have some degree of phobia of trauma-derived mental actions (which we formerly called phobia of mental contents, …..). The phobia of trauma-derived mental actions evolves from the core phobia of traumatic memories, and involves the survivor’s fear, disgust or shame about mental actions he or she has associated with traumatic memories. As long as patients are afraid of their inner life, they cannot integrate their internal experiences, so that structural dissociation is ongoing.” Van der Hart, Nijenhuis, Steele, 2006

This is me and exercise, something happens when I start to exercise. Not sure I can explain it.

I have evidence of responsibility, a rationale for why, an explanation.