My goal is Wednesday. I need to and will get to Wednesday to attend my friend’s graduation. That will keep me focussed. But I’m not sure I can stop the self harm.

Why can I not change. I hate who I am.

Like the boy who cried wolf: I’m not a victim, I’m not a victim, I’m not a victim. Look at me – I am so a pathetic hopeless victim.

I am the things they said or wanted me to be: hopeless, irrelevant, annoying, stupid. I know that sounds drab. But even that I am writing and feeling like this supports it.

I keep thinking about where I can go, what I can do, how can I stop this. None of the options seem viable or helpful.

The crushing walls are closing in, funneling me in one direction. The experience of last week was so distressing, I don’t want to have that again. The path to where I got to seems much shorter now.

I don’t want to be like this and that is what has driven me towards change, but I can’t keep doing it if there is no change.

I don’t know what else to try, what else to do, how else to make change.

I think I have tried so hard to be ‘normal’ and go through processes for change and yet I am still in this horrible space that I can’t live in. I can’t be this person.

I don’t think I am able to manage.

I don’t know how to translate knowledge to practice.

I am not able to turn what feels like a very noisy powerful machine in my head off. It feels like it is escalating again after a week of being able to contain it.

I’m not sure how to stop it.

I am so sorry that I cannot be a better person. I know how frustrating I can be.

I’m not sure I can do this. It feels like it’s escalating and I’m unsure about containing it.

Feels like I am just managing to get through every day, on the verge of panic constantly, and cannot see a way out. I know I am going to fail and feel ashamed and overwhelmed by that. I am stuck. What is wrong with me that I cannot work this through. I have spent the last two weeks like this, trying to resolve it but cant.

I want to die. I want to not be here.

Every day that goes past and I am nowhere closer to having a solution the pressure increases and I feel more hopeless.

Nothing like a first day at uni to explore and expose one’s inadequacies and incompetence. Feeling completely overwhelmed and not even sure I know where to start to try to work through it. I spent several hours just containing my anxiety so as not to cry or leave which I’m sure didn’t help with developing my understanding.

Why don’t you hate me?

I am not worth the effort and cannot become what you think I can

I’ve been self harming about once or twice a week for a few months now. Using it to manage my anxiety and control my hate and anger and make myself pay for being so vile and disgusting and useless.

I was sexually active with my brother. He wanted so I gave it. I didn’t question it. I could do it. I knew what to do. He was easier than my father.

Every day I want to die. I feel like a broken vile person that will never be free and will always be being enveloped by the filth of history, experience and contamination.

I fail. I am a failure.

Before I even try I know I am not capable. I feel so useless and inadequate.

It feels like I need to go, to not be here.

I cant do this, I cant be what I need to to get on with my life. There is something missing in me to be able to manage my life.

I am too broken.