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I am alone and in pain and feel neglected and abandoned, I know not literally but I can’t get rid of that inner feeling. But I can’t reach out and I can’t hear or take in anyone reaching in to me

I can’t accept healing from others and I cannot allow myself to heal and soothe. 

I want validation and holding and comfort and anger for what I have experienced, but on the flip side that experience makes me damaged and disgusting and needy and I don’t want that out. 

If Erykah goes that will allow clearer decision making 

I so desperately want to die. I have thought of that day. 

I’m tired of the internal conflict. 

I hate that I am like this and am sorry that I am like this. I don’t want others to experience my mess. I have not taken the opportunity this weekend to change my situation, I feel I have failed again. 

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I don’t know what to do

I will disappoint

I am not able to be different yet I need to be different

I want to disappear and have never been here. I can’t carry this. 

Get rid of me and move on. 

I am the poisoned chalice 

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I think I have given him the role/responsibility/power /right to speak about him and what he did. Him being the one who owns it and has the ability to make it known and true. 

I don’t have the language or right 

Maybe I can’t separate out the responsibilities? 

I am stuck because I feel that I still hold / carry “the secrets” and that I need to either let them out or let go of the hold it has over me. But I worry that even if I am able to let it out , without him letting it out, it won’t mean anything. Perhaps I need people to hear it from him because my words are not enough. I want someone to see it, to really know. But that then raises my fears of them seeing me and my vile disgusting ways and having that power. And that passing on to someone else something that shouldn’t even exist 

Sometimes I try to find something from him that would go some way to him acknowledging it. Something he said or did. Of course there will never be enough to satisfy what I want, perhaps even if he was alive. And I have always feared that people wouldn’t really listen or they would hear it differently to how it was. 

It’s hard not to think he won. He died with it, with the power to make it different. 

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Waking during the night to physical anxiety where my stomach is flipping and my breath is held. Such a familiar sensation and situation it makes me confused and questioning of where I am. Only for a few seconds, but enough to keep it alive and remind me, even if I wasn’t thinking about it, evey if I was asleep. 

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Some days there are specific incidents, acts, words or feelings from my past that rise up and challenge me. They challenge my ability to go to work, contribute, be a friend, be in a relationship. They challenge and quash what I know for others and what intellectually I know about myself- that I’m ok and strong and have gotten to this point through some skill and agency of my own. 

Some days it’s just a whole fog of oppressive history so thick I can’t reach through to the outside. I feel a pain that immobilizes me and silences me. The disconnect from others is too familiar and feeds the isolation and belief in my lack of worth and purpose. Today is one of those days. What am I doing? What’s the point? I can’t see out of this dark cave where all those people live. 

Just let go? What if I’m not holding, rather it has permeated every part of me. 

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I don’t feel safe. I’m not unsafe, but I feel unsafe 

I’m stuck in it, it is stuck in me

The horror of being blindsided by my sisters partner , not breathing, panic, pain. Why the fuck me. I thought I got away. 

What does it matter 

Just one of several for this fucked up piece. How disgusting must I have looked, how disgusting did I become 

I don’t know how to stop this, fix this, be different, be better. Tell me what I need to do, I don’t know. 

I have become more of a problem than the solution. My hopelessness and incompetentness is seeping to others and I can’t stop it. Perhaps I could just let it go. What a waste of everyone’s time and effort.