If I Talk

I understand that no other person can resolve my internal conflict; that is ones own responsibility. However I am tired and cannot see that what I have done or attempting to do is effecting change. It seems that at a very basic or fundamental level I am deeply flawed and disfunctional. How can something broken fix something broken. 
A colleague said a particular word the other day and that triggered something for me that I have now fought for days to control. That is not sustainable. 
I can’t see how I can bring the right pieces together for this person to work. When does one make an objective assessment on whether this is workable or not. I am a pathetic useless being. 

More than anything I want to be able to live and accept love and be ok, and more than anything I want to kill and die. 

I don’t have the tolerance 

Rat in a wheel – movement going nowhere 

A colleague says one innocuous word: bang, I’m there reminded of something, it’s no longer a word, it’s an experience 

I have tried to free myself from those experiences, only to realize they stick

Can’t sleep, in pain 

Not sure how to explain 

Wanting out

How do I be nice to that person? No one else can detest her, kick her, spit on her, but I can. I know how to do that.  I can’t be kind to her because that would be giving in, giving up the fight, yet that’s what I want to do, I want to feel like an ok person regardless 

The fucked up person gets angry and wants to yell “what the fuck do you know what it was like , you’ve got no idea what it felt like”. But I don’t want a response that agrees with that and I don’t want a response that disagrees with that. 

Sunday night anxiety. Great. 

Anxious thoughts are magnets for self loathing, memories, feeling hopeless. 

Escape to nowhere, be no one, disappear. 

Is there something wrong with me for wanting to talk about it? 

I question it not because of the usual lens of needing to disguise that disgusting part of me, but because I am actually confused what the push is for me to get it out. It goes against everything I have done for most of my life. It’s connected to needing to be believed but not believing I will really be believed. 

Do I have unrealistic expectations as to what will be achieved? 

Am I even capable? 

What if I regret it? 

What if there are repercussions? 

I will never be able to hurt him

We always go over on a Monday and I apologise for that. 

Thinking further on the subject of belief: Really, how would you know what the truth is? I think there are limits to your and anyone’s belief and I’m constantly assessing how close you are to the tipping point, how far can I go before bam, the line is crossed and I’m nobody. I have an idea that, apart from at a professional intellectual level, you or anyone does not want to believe me. That’s not a criticism, rather an observation. And there may be valid reasons for that. I don’t know. Of course it’s much easier not to, but that’s too simplistic an answer. 

I often leave feeling distressed/overwhelmed because ‘I know’ you don’t believe me. You don’t not believe me because of what I have said, but because you can’t believe what I haven’t said. Of course you cant. But then I can’t tell you because you won’t believe me! As well as you’re not interested, it’s irrelevant, it’s too hard, it’s too messy, it’s too disgusting, you’re protecting me from myself. I am probably being very unfair and unkind. 

I can’t tell you without believing that you believe me. Or maybe that’s an excuse, and I’m just not able to do it anyway 

So how do I get this rot out? 

I’m struggling to see how my mother’s discarding/handing over/dismissing of me and my father’s sexual behaviour was not personal. How can it not be? Parent and child relationships and sexual relationships are very personal connections. She didn’t do that to anyone else, he didn’t do that to anyone else (I don’t think). How can that not be personal?  How do I not carry that into my relationships with people? How can I not see it as something about me and something that then became me? 

To post or not to post? 

I’m not sure I am able to multitask: contain feelings and memories, develop greater understanding of myself, make changes, challenge myself, and be kind to myself. Are they not contradictory? Of course, it all has to be done alone; only when I have done it all and its “right” can I really let others know. 

It’s completely up to me – my success or failure. And therefore I am the one that is holding me stuck to ideas that prevent me from changing. Only I can change those ideas, yet I haven’t . I haven’t changed the belief that others do not, will not and can not believe me, that they won’t see me as disgusting. 

Because he loved me

Because I was his favorite 

Because I loved him

Good enough reasons apparently 
I want to read his death certificate 

Sometimes I can feel his hand on my chest. It feels disproportionately large. 

All of those sensations and thoughts, I don’t know what to do with. They just live there. 

I would prefer not to have them at all and the only way for them to go is to self harm or not be alive. 

I don’t think I can get rid of them. I want to be someone who can ‘triumph’ over this but I’m thinking I can’t. Sounds so hopeless and dramatic.