I’ve managed to neglect all of my friends now, I have little relationship left with them. A self-perpetuating cycle of actively moving away from them because I am embarrassed and feel worthless, and then feeling worthless for doing that, and then that demonstrates my worthlessness. M has been more persistent, but I think I have sufficiently frustrated, annoyed, angered and disappointed her now. If I’m going to feel so alone, why not just be alone and save everyone the ugliness.

Like being deep in a well and there’s a thin piece of rope lowered down by someone, but is there really any point in grabbing hold of it? The rope is not strong enough to lift me, I’m not strong enough to grasp the rope, I’m reluctant to grasp the rope because even previously when I have grabbed a handful of them I’ve only managed to climb a few feet before falling back.

I’ve read books, practiced self-improvement, done meditation, not drank alcohol, drank alcohol, exercised, not exercised, volunteered, got hobbies, almost vegan, I go to work, done therapy, tried to excise past events; and here I am.

I know Ing is frustrated and sick of me. I cannot give her what she wants or needs.