Who are we kidding. This is not sustainable. I am so tired. I’m so tired I cannot create a solution. I can’t do this, week in week out. I’m disappearing, which of itself is not the issue (the goal actually at times). Rather, it’s the process which is laborious and boring for all, and time consuming and self focused and likely futile. I cannot do this. It would be easier if everyone walked away and stopped pretending, although I understand how the pretending happens and people get stuck. But can they not see me? There is no place for me in their lives. Again, that’s ok but be practical and go. 

What seems to not being seen is what happened. I’m great at pretending and most people, if any, don’t know what I think or what is in me. We can therapy for another year, two years, ……and maybe even make some progress is some areas. But ultimately, I am still there, my experiences will never change and I can never get away from that.  And actually I get angry that that cannot be seen  or heard. Of course I have, and continue to, contribute to that.